Letterbox

The letterbox contact from our children's birth mum arrived last week.  We receive a letter from her (via Social Services who screen the letters) each year around about this time and we reciprocate with a letter in September.  I was cross from the moment I opened it - its full of talk about her baby son and celebrating birthdays - and I have to read this to my children?

Anyhows, tonight was chosen, and sure enough we've had an evening of tears.  Hearing from birth mum has made both children feel unsafe, nervous, anxious - but despite this, I am so so very proud of them both.  They handled hearing the letter so so well, and above all else were mostly concerned for the new baby in their mum's life.  They mainly wanted to know whether he was safe or not.  We told them we didn't much know as birth mum is no longer living in our county (or country), however we did tell them that I'd asked our local Social Services if they knew anything and whilst they couldn't tell me (either because they do not know or because of confidentiality) anything, they could say that the local Child Welfare department would know of the history of child neglect.

My children constantly amaze me with their ability to process information, and to show a maturity so beyond their years.  I love them both so so much.

Day Three

Nancy Thomas:  Mini-Camp

I woke today feeling really low.  My husband was in a foul mood - not helped by the dishwasher having flooded the floor.  This comes at the end of a week when firstly the sink got blocked and we discovered that it had been incorrectly installed in the first place, then the washing machine broke and now the dishwasher.  Surely that has to be it for the appliance in the kitchen now!

Anyway my daughter was in a dreadful mood too and by the time I reached camp this morning I was in tears.  I didn't really know why - but I think it was to do with the fact that this was our last 'Nancy Thomas day' and the thought of going it back alone is a little scary.

I bought her book - When love is not enough - if anyone wants a copy there is a cheaper supplier than Amazon - shout and I'll dig out the link!  I got it for just under £12.  The book is pretty much everything we've been taught over the last 3 days - but its there in black and white and if I need to check back I can.  Always a bonus when you are learning something new!  The children seem happier, I know I'm certainly more positive about the future and I'm not so frustrated by the things they do.  I understand the problem and we've a strategy to fix it.

I'm still anxious over what will happen in time, however I've loads of new friends from the camp to contact if I feel I just need to rant at a parent who WILL understand!

For all you readers (and why are most of you still lurkers - it gets a litte lonely in blog land without comments!! :D  ) who have normal children - rejoice in them, and please don't automatically assume that the harrassed looking woman in the corner of the playground is just a bad mum, she might just be me!!

Day Two

Nancy Thomas:  Mini Camp

Its official.  Both children have Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Strangely instead of feeling sad, I feel positive.  There is a LOGICAL reason as to why my children behave as they do.  All the times I've seen other parents pull faces at my seemingly inability to parent - they were wrong.  You can't parent a child with RAD as you would a 'normal' child.  Their brains are functioning incorrectly - and I need to re-write the damage that they suffered from being neglected and abused, and that sadly does not happen over night.

Nancy is giving us the tools and support to do this ourselves and we are seeing results.  For the first time I feel we're getting somewhere, and its a great feeling.  Its wonderful to meet other parents facing the same issues too and who knew - but one of the couples there have a child in my children's school!  I did know of other adopted children in the village, but it goes to show - you don't know them all.  We've made good friends with another couple too who live not too far from us and I'm looking forward to meeting up for coffee next week with them.  Except that coffee is now off the menu as 'our' children can't take the caffeine, not that they actually drank coffee, but they LOVE tea.  De-caff tea it is then!

Day One

Nancy Thomas:  Mini Camp - Day One

Nancy Thomas is AWESOME and I make no apology for using clearly an American word on an otherwise reserved English blog ! :D

Upon arrival, we duly registered and took our children in to the hall.  In the registration pack was a checked napkin amongst other things.  Nancy soon had the adults trooping out of the hall and up some stairs leaving our children behind.  Once upstairs Nancy confessed we were now in the Pit Stop room - and that napkin wasn't actually a napkin - but a FLAG!!  Now when our children did something that we'd previously 'asked' them not to do, we weren't to SAY a word - just raise our flag and the staff would come and collect the children and bring them to the pit stop room where they'd get the child to sit (?) and then say what they did wrong, before coming up with a plan on how they were going to make it better.  Yeah right!  (that was my thought).

A little later when my chair was being repeatedly kicked, I tentatively raised my flag... two staff swooped over, took my son away and up to the room - gave me some chocolate (for the serotonin) and asked me to write what he'd done.  I imagined he'd be there hours - he NEVER knows what he's done wrong and what on earth was sitting going to do!!!  Imagine my surprise when no more than 10 minutes later he's there in front of me telling me he'd been kicking my chair on purpose and to make it up to me he'd rub hand cream on my hands....  Well - I won't give you all of Nancy's secrets, besides I'm too shattered to write much more today.  All I can say is that I really got it wrong before - and I can't believe what damage I've caused to my children (unintentionally), but that it stops.  Now.

Nancy Thomas

For those not in the know Nancy Thomas is a wonderful American 'mom' who loves children who seemingly appear to be un-loveable.  We adopted our children back in 2003 after discovering that my endometriosis that I suffered with (note past tense - but thats another post!) had led me to become infertile.  I remembered reading Nancy's book - When love is not enough (NB - if you want to buy it, drop me a line, I know a cheaper supplier than Amazon!), and thinking that our love WOULD be enough.  We'd be the exception.  We'd be able to get these children to feel at home - and seemingly we did.  

We absolutely had problems and issues - who wouldn't when two children join a new home at the age of 5 & 3 - having had 7 & 8 homes previously.  However I guess last September I began to get a sense of dread, a feeling of failure - and one that I've pretty much been able to keep under wraps from everyone.  I mean who wants to admit to being a failure as a mum?  Our wonderful, gorgeous 10 year old daughter is a habitual liar and prolific thief, our loveable cheeky monkey 8 year old son is getting stuck - frozen in time and we can't seem to reach them.  A crisis call to Post Adoption support, a great meeting with the social worker who saw us through our approval and we'd managed to secure therapy for our daughter which started last October.

That same wonderful social worker has also managed to arrange a mini-camp with Nancy Thomas who is travelling over from Colorado, and we are booked on it!!  The camp starts this Wednesday - I haven't a clue what to expect so roll on Wednesday